The Pentwater Hoerrald true life story

From humble newsletter to international phenomenon: The story of the Hoerrald
The Pentwater Hoerrald is the official newsletter of the annual Jim Hoerr family vacation to Pentwater, Michigan. The publication first went to press in July of 1991, although it was not until 1995 that it become known as the Hoerrald. The newsletter's primary purpose is to inform the Hoerr family members about the upcoming trip to Pentwater, a small but historic village located on majestic Lake Michigan.

Early on, the pre-Hoerrald newsletter eschewed fancy fonts, elaborate formatting, advertising, and even color printing in favor of a home-grown look that appealed to its largely Midwestern audience. The newsletter continued with simple formatting for the first few years, providing its readers with the essential information and nothing more. In five text-only pages or less, the Hoerrald told everyone what to bring, where they were sleeping, what they were going to eat, and list of scheduled activities for week (including events such as Beach Olympics, sand castle contests, church, volleyball, fireworks, and s'mores night).

In 1995, the up-and-coming editor T. Timothius took the publication in an exciting new direction, transforming the Hoerr family newsletter into a full-fledged newspaper. Dubbed the Pentwater Hoerrald, Timothius brought the Jim Hoerr family vacation to life with full color pages and high quality artwork. Even though the first issue received rave reviews, there were relatively few subscribers. No one was sure if this upstart was ready for the cutthroat news industry. It turned out, however, that the industry wasn't ready for the upstart.

As the years progressed, the Hoerrald began to establish itself as a leading newspaper. By 1998, the Hoerrald's color pages were brimming with hard-hitting sports coverage, the hottest summer entertainment, exotic cuisine from around the world, and, of course, hilarious comics.

Thousands of new readers were picking up the Hoerrald every month. With the increase in subscribers, the Hoerrald was able to attract the best reporters, editors, and graphic designers for its team. Profits were growing by 50% a quarter and rumors of a multi-million dollar IPO soon hit Wall Street. In order to generate publicity, the Hoerrald brought in star of stage and screen Hector P. Valenti to host the Pentwater Hoerrald Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. The grand prize was an all-expense paid vacation of a lifetime. The media frenzy pushed the Hoerrald into the international spotlight.

For the special millennium edition of 2000, the Hoerrald tripled its staff to publish a controversial story extolling the 10 year history of a certain dis-fun-ctional family. With its Pulitzer Prize-worthy investigative reporting and strong feature articles, coupled with a continued dedication to its core readership, the Hoerrald soared to new heights.

The summer of 2002 saw the addition of the wildly successful Newcomer's Guide to Pentwater by the star intern known only as TPK. Readership hit record highs and distribution went global. Yet the Hoerrald stayed true to its family values by syndicating Dear Abby's younger and hipper counterpart column "Dear J" and the relationship status update feed from the Hollywood gossip queen formerly known as All-American.

Unlike most newspapers, the Hoerrald understood and welcomed the shift to online media. Instead of fearing the internet and electronic distribution, the Hoerrald fully embraced the new technology. The 2003 edition was published exclusively online. With the help of professional web designer B. Harvey, the web edition of the Hoerrald was met with critical acclaim.

Continuing to ride on its previous successes, the 2005 Pentwater Hoerrald was sold as a collector's edition, with only a limited number of copies going to press. The Games & Puzzles page kept readers coming back for more. From the outside, the Hoerrald's future looked as bright as ever.

In secret, however, staff began to wonder if the Hoerrald could maintain its glorious image for much longer. Frequent leadership changes due to corporate takeovers, massive stock sales, and insider trading sunk morale. Reporters were forced to recycle the same content over and over again. Disgruntled ex-employees leaked juicy details to the press. The Hoerrald's Czars attempted to control the damage with a public statement calling the inflammatory stories about their beloved newsletter "poppycock."

The truth soon "busted out" among the "poppycock" stories: the Hoerrald was fraught with internal power struggles, poor management, and corporate greed. The 2006 edition signaled rock bottom for the Hoerrald. All veteran production staff were fired and expenses were cut all around. Two weeks behind schedule, an incomplete, unedited Hoerrald was rushed to the printers, and was immediately met with a flood of negative criticism and public outrage. Meanwhile, the Czars of the once-humble newsletter got greedy and raked in huge salaries and bonuses. In addition to the money and booze, the Czars enjoyed the company of certain administrative assistants, who were rumored to have slept their way to the top. The full color spreads that had previously graced the pages of the Hoerrald were replaced with plain, unformatted text.

Two renegade reporters took it upon themselves to ensure that the Hoerrald would never again sink that low. Working non-stop for 48 hours, the two produced a legendary issue of the Hoerrald, appropriately titled the "Underground" edition. Their feverish work paid off, and the "Underground" edition became one of the best-selling publications of the decade. The executives of the Hoerrald were roused from their debaucherous stupor and began negotiation talks with the reporter's union in a feeble attempt to start rebuilding what was left of the Hoerrald name.

The 2007 edition was a short-lived tribute to the Hoerrald golden years with fresh content and formatting. However, most industry analysts agreed that the paper was "past its prime." The latest edition, printed in June of 2008, saw the return of plain formatting and clear signs of a reduced staff and aging infrastructure.

We don't know what the future holds for our beloved Pentwater Hoerrald. All we can do is look to the past, breathe deep, and say "Ahhh, beautiful Pentwater."